Low Frustration Tolerance
What is Low Frustration Tolerance?:
Low Frustration Tolerance (LFT) occurs when we get frustrated easily. It is characterised by an inability to emotionally regulate responses to stressors and is sometimes referred to as “can’t-stand -itis” as people who experience LFT can complain about not being able to stand this or that.
Some Indicators of LFT:
Indicators of LFT include:
Giving up on difficult tasks quickly;
Frequent procrastination due to difficulty in enduring difficult/tedious tasks;
Inability to manage everyday stressors and exaggerated responses to same;
Being easily irritated by others;
Lashing out at people who are close to you;
Reduction in and quality of relationships due to poor communication skills e.g., “lashing out”;
When Things Go Wrong:
We can become upset when things go wrong or we are confronted with hassles, discomfort, pain and we can devolve into unhelpful thinking styles. For example, we might AWFULIZE and demand that it not be so and insist that unless things are as they should be, the situation is intolerable. This can generate a range of emotions which can include hopelessness, depression, panic and anger. The expectation that things should go smoothly can actually make the situation more upsetting than it would otherwise be.
What Can You Do?
Acceptance and Problem Solving:
Nobody enjoys it when things go wrong, particularly when several things go wrong at once. The reality is that difficulties/hassles are a part of life. The challenge is to accept the situation whilst trying to find solutions wherever possible – this is a creative process and can ask that we step outside of our comfort zone which can be its own challenge but when done, leads to growth. Therefore, problem solve where you can. Ask yourself: what positive actions can I take to improve upon the situation? It is about shifting your focus, attention and energy to what is within your control i.e., “Control the Controllables”. For example, if you don’t like your job but can’t just leave it, could you look for another job or channel your energy into your own small business? This allows for a mindset shift and opens up the possibility of positive change instead of simply complaining about the situation or venting on people closest to you. Where the situation is outside of your control beneficial strategies are acceptance (it is what it is; can you just let it go?) and/or challenging your thinking.
Challenge Your Thinking:
LFT stems largely from these types of unhelpful thinking styles (i.e. we tend to demand that things should go our way and form a belief that if they don’t the situation is intolerable (black and white thinking) and we further add to our suffering by exaggerating the negative consequences of the situation (awfulizing)):
Shoulding – these are rules and beliefs we hold about the way things must be. Some of our shoulds focus on our own behaviour and performance whilst other shoulds focus on the way we believe that other people ought to behave and how the world should be. For example, “I should always be in control over the events of my life”, “I should be doing and achieving more than I am”, “I should always be positive, bright and cheerful”.
These types of beliefs can make us miserable because our life experience doesn’t always match them. The more strongly we believe something should not be this way, the more likely it is that we will get upset. Beliefs when held as a preference are not a problem. For example, if you desire independence, career success or good relationships, as long as you recognize that things do not have to be this way, you will not upset yourself.
Please note, it is the beliefs as opposed to the words we use that are important. Being more flexible requires that we change the way we think.
Awfulizing (aka Catastrophizing) – this is a common tendency to exaggerate the negative consequences of our life i.e., believing that something is awful when in most cases, it is merely unpleasant or undesirable. Consequently we experience far greater distress than is appropriate for the situation.
Black and White Thinking – This is a tendency to see things in a polarised way e.g., you might evaluate situations or people in a black and white way i.e. as positive or negative, success or failure. There is a failure to see the middle ground or grey area i.e., that most situations are neither disastrous nor fantastic but lie somewhere in the middle.
Implement Disputing Statements to Manage Frustration:
Examples include:
It’s not life-threatening, it’s not important.
This is a hassle, and that’s ok.
Frustration is a normal part of life.
Will this matter next week/next month/next year? This too shall pass
What’s the worst thing that can happen?
Things invariably go wrong at times. I don’t like it but I can handle it.
Don’t sweat the small stuff!
If I miss out on something that I want, I can stand it.
I am smart, I have all the necessary resources I need to get this done.
Or, create your own disputing statement.
Release Frustration in a Healthy Way
Bottling up anger or frustration will only make things worse or result in an emotional volcanic eruption when one least expects or wants it. Rather, find a healthy way to release pent up emotion. You could try:
Some form of physical exercise e.g., go for a run, go to the gym, take a kick boxing class or punch a punching bag
Changing your self-talk from the negative to the positive e.g., from “I am so stupid. I can’t do this” to “I have the skills to do this. I can do this”.
Avoiding accusatory statements where you focus blame on others. Don’t give away your power, don’t become a victim of circumstance. Rather look at the situation objectively, be accountable and take responsibility where warranted and then problem solve what you can. If you can’t problem solve because it is outside of your control consider acceptance or challenging your thinking (see above) in respect of same.
Employing assertive communication to get your needs met. Using I statements and whole messages to convey your observations (i.e they need to be objective), thoughts/feelings and what you would like to have happen going forward can be helpful as they offer an opportunity to achieve a mutually acceptable solution. The latter need to be expressed as a preference or a request and not a demand. Maintain the goal of good relationships with others. Each party to the exchange wants to be able to walk away feeling good about the exchange and themselves.
Engage with Distress Tolerance Tactics:
When your world feels calm and you’re relaxed, build your problem solving and patience skills with these types of activities as they can help build your patience levels and tolerance for frustration:
Jigsaw puzzles; Find a Word; Crossword Puzzles etc
Knitting/tapestry/Cross stitch etc
Lego or build a plane/train/automobile etc
Adult colouring in/paint by numbers
Gardening
Building a piece of furniture e.g., IKEA or crafting it yourself
Cultivate calm. This will help you refocus your energy in a productive way like solving problems instead of reacting to them:
Ø Enrol in Yoga/Tai Chi/Pilates/Qi gong
Ø Give yourself a green or blue prescription – go for a walk; immerse yourself in nature; go swimming, go for a walk along the beach
Ø Regularly practice a deep breathing exercise. This can help you build in space between something happening and the choice you make in how you wish to respond.
Ø Practice mindfulness exercises. Find an app that suits you. Cherry pick exercises that resonate with you and practice regularly e.g., Smiling Mind/Calm/Headspace apps
Create a self soothe bag or box – tap into the five senses (i.e., touch, taste, hearing, smell, vision) when you do this and either place the physical item or representation of the physical item or activity into the bag or box that you know soothes you. Place the bag/box where it can be easily accessed when feeling overwhelmed or distressed.
In and of themselves these strategies won’t cure the problems you face but they should give you needed breathing space to enable you to cope and better manage difficulties or challenges when they arise.
Practice Grace
Forgive yourself and others for their shortcomings. We are all imperfect and all works in progress.
Reclaim your power with forgiveness. Choose to forgive someone who has emotionally hurt you – this does not excuse their behaviour. Forgiveness benefits you in that you can deploy your energy in other domains e.g., shifting your focus to your goals and the direction you want to take in life.
Give yourself the space to make mistakes. Reframe how you see mistakes. View them as an opportunity for learning and growth. Study them. They are better teachers than any successes you might have. Ask yourself: What went wrong? What could I have done better? What can I do differently next time? When you view mistakes as an opportunity for learning and you acknowledge the lesson, it allows you to devote time and energy into not repeating them.
Remind yourself that you can only control you, your responses and not the outcome of anything e.g., you can pull together interesting people for a party and provide fabulous catering but you have no control over whether or not they will enjoy themselves.
Be mindful of your expectations and the fact that not everyone will have the same standards as you, they may have different priorities, and that is ok. Shift your focus on to what you can control, you e.g., your attitude, your perspective; your decisions, your determination and so forth.
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References:
Change Your Thinking by Sarah Edelman, PhD - ©2007; 2013;
13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do by Amy Morin ©2014;
The Obstacle is The Way by Ryan Holiday © 2015
Low Frustration Tolerance: 9 Tips to Build Your Resilience (scienceofpeople.com)